Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
