So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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