Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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