My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
