i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
