If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
