Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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