If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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