The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
The air was thick with penises
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
