Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
