so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
