I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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