I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
