my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize