Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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