I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
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