I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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