i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
