When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize