I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
