im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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