So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I have fence marks all over my body
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
