And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
