it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Randomize
