update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Oh god it's open bar.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
