i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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