Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
