Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
