I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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