Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
