I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
