I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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