My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
