Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
