if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
