Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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