oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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