So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
