She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
