I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
