At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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