hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
