I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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