Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
