Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
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