i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
