Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
