When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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