i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
