now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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