david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
