i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
