so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just threw up on my dentist
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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