Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
