I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
