If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
