I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you didnt know i had herpes?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
