girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
