I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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