Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
