My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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