Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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