Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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