Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
