you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
