go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize