one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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