I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
